i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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