So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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