Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
