Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Who wears a wallet chain?!
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
