My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
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