okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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