The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
