I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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