There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
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