everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
