This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
