I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
