I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize