so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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