I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize