i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
