no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
