remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
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