the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
