I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Someone signed my nipple.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize