I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize