well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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