i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
