The maid of honor just puked.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
