I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
