the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
