I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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