Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
