I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
