Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Can you bring me the toilet please
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
