I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
party gras won. party gras always wins.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
