i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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