That's when you crack a 10am beer
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
