My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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