i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
