I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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