Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
