so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
zippers are such a cool invention
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
There's always time for handjobs
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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