Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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