First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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