i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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