she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
