dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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