My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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