You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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