WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
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