I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
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