Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
