I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
