you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
