you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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