obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize