True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
