Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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