I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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