Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
