My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize