Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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