Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
