I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize