He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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