Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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