My friends, they love my intelligence
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
