I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize