They have a pepper shaker for pot.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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