I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
My ass is underappreciated
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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