When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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