I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
