I'm gonna have a badass scar
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
