My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
